By special request: Bernard and the Genie
Your wish is my command!
The votes have been counted! And by a landslide the winner is- Bernard and the Genie! Thanks also to the couple of subscribers who opted for the ‘take a break- it’s Christmas’ option. I appreciate what you tried to do for me.
Quick synopsis: Bernard Bottle is a very successful art dealer for an auction house- you know just a normal guy with a relatable job! But he’s got a good heart and wants to share his company’s recent riches around, which is a big no no for evil boss Mr Pinkworth played by Rowan Atkinson in slicked back hair plus goatee level of evil.
So Bernard gets fired and sent home early and this is how he finds out his best friend-from Press Gang- has stolen his girlfriend and they’re not very sorry about it. Then Lenny Henry appears as a genie, they have a laugh, right some wrongs and chat up a Scottish elf.
In the last post I told you it was a superior Christmas movie to Love Actually, and now I’ll have to prove it. Let me count the ways…
It’s an hour long. We’re all busy people here, we need Christmas cheer in short sharp doses.
B&G isn’t really deeper than a sketch comedy. That means it doesn’t take itself too seriously but means it does have jokes!
Young Alan Cumming with a 90s haircut is an adorable fall guy. It’s like watching your baby brother getting beat up, you can’t NOT want to help the guy out.
Its attempt at showing London as a hip modern utopia is now incredibly nostalgic. It’s low budget, so they’re just shooting streets and shops with real people in the background living their 90s dream. Bernard takes the Genie to a cinema, and it’s full of people and snacks and the marquee sign says that both Terminator and Thelma and Louise are playing and do you remember when cinema was that exciting?!
Let’s get into details…
It’s kind of like the British Groundhog day
The wafer thin plot ends up revolving around the Mona Lisa, which Bernard wishes into his flat without realising that it is the real thing. (Reminder: this guy is an art dealer!) So when his sneaky boss comes round to steal Bernard’s work list from him, he discovers the portrait and calls the old Bill.
Bernard returns home, realises someone is in the flat and accidentally kills a copper with a poison tipped umbrella, before being arrested for theft (and murder). Bernard seems to take this hard, forgetting I guess, that he has a fucking genie.
So with a hop skip and a jump we replay the scene and enjoy something going right for Bernard for a change- instead of accidentally murdering someone, he shakes his hand. The Mona Lisa is replaced with a portrait of Kylie and it’s a fuck you to both ex-boss and arrogant coppers. It’s these moments of repetition that brings the most joy, the reveal to Mr Pinkworth with the same sinister synth music cue always tickled me. So I guess you can say it’s kind of like the British groundhog day. Did I say that already?
Rowan Atkinson
This should have been Lenny Henry’s vehicle, but Rowan absolutely steals, crushes and devours it. His bastardly dastardlyness is next level. He says ‘ye’ instead of ‘you’ for no reason; “I sack ye” “Bugger ye off!” He’s greedy, mean, amoral- to Dickensian levels.
Which makes his comeuppance the sweetest moment of the whole 60 minutes. Bernard wishes that Pinkworth has given his entire £100 million fortune to charity, which leads to him being door stepped by news cameras in a frankly unlikely news story, (but it seems legit because Trevor Macdonald is telling you). But it does allow us to see Pinkworth learning of the news, reacting to it and it breaking his soul. I love the commitment to character here, even the way Atkinson falters as he closes the door is the sweetest serving of catharsis you’re likely to get this Christmas.
Lenny Henry
Yeah he’s fine. He’s doing a vaguely Middle Eastern accent which is a very 90s choice.
But!
The things that are annoying about Richard Curtis are present and correct
It’s always felt that Curtis wishes he was American, and that’s why his London never really feels very London-y. They feel like he’s written the story for New York and then been forced to find/replace with British stuff.
He swings and misses at the big ideologies. After romping round London enjoying all the department stores, the film has the cheek to criticise how capitalist Christmas has become. Bernard and his genie decide to really mess with the system - by giving real wishes to the kids visiting Santa’s grotto. The kids then come out driving big toy cars, or riding real ponies. THAT’S STILL CAPITALISM!
And it’s peppered with off colour, sexist jokes about big tits or Michelle Pfiefer’s underwear that were never funny at the time, guys! So you want to BE Michelle Pfiefer’s underpants do you? Live in a drawer? Spin around in a 40 degree cycle? Sounds great.
In Conclusion
This is a sweet, stupid little film that nails all the ups and downs of our hero’s journey and ends with just the right amount of hope. The genie doesn’t really solve Bernard’s problems, as much as give him a taste of revenge, but mostly he gives Bernard the confidence to start again. And who doesn’t want to see Alan Cumming’s beguiling happy smile?
