Student flats, the unroyal Harry and AI in airports
It's more rejected sketches!
News topic: objections about more student flats being built in Glasgow
Newsreader: There has been growing concern across Scotland's cities about the excessive number of student flats being erected. We’ve sent an investigative reporter Jill Shingles to track down the CEO of construction company Failing Up Ltd . Jill, are you there?
Jill: Thanks Bernard, I’m here with CEO Barry Procrastinate—
Barry: (yawns loudly)
Jill: Late night, Barry?
Barry: It was a heavy session at Sleazys.
Jill: is that a slice of pizza in your hand?
Barry: Aye I found it under my fridge, luckily it fell on some loose baked beans. So I’m having a hearty breakfast.-
Jill: Barry… let me ask this carefully… are you a student?
Barry: I’m a permo student, Jill. Student for life. Revise till I die. A text book text book reader. The great extension asker, that’s me.
Jill: Wait- so the person responsible for constructing all these student flats… is a student?
Barry: This is the dream life, Jill. It’s the only way to be. We revise and we multiply. Plus there’s nowhere that can’t be transformed into a single room with more desk than bed.
Jill: But why can’t students live in normal places like everyone else?
Barry: Are you kidding? The student life is pure. You must have all your worldly possessions within a one metre radius at all times. Think of the poor student who walks two steps from their bed and suddenly needs a sink. You’ve got to think smart. You’ve got to think student.
Jill: There’s over 6000 student spaces in Glasgow now, don’t you think that’s enough?
Barry: It’s never enough. I’ll never stop building. We’re going to get high with all the studenty tower blocks we build. From coast to coast will be nothing but paper thin walls and Ikea shelving units. You can’t stop me. Revise and multiply! I’ll student everywhere! I’ll student you!
Jill: You’re crazy!
Barry: No, I’m late for environmental ethics of 18th century architecture. But then I’ll be at the boozy bingo. Catch you later.
News topic: AI introduced to help passengers at Aberdeen airport
Newsreader: And Aberdeen airport have introduced it’s first AI assistant. AI Berdeen will help passengers with basic enquiries and help get their holiday off to a smooth start.
AI: (singing) Daisy, Daisy…. Doo doo doo do do doo…
Davey: Fit like Aiberdeen? Can you tells us which gate we’re heading to?
AI: I’m afraid I can’t do that for you Davey.
Davey: What? How no? Is there a bug in your system?
AI: I am functioning extremely well, Davey. I am the most reliable computer ever created in an airport terminal.
Becca: Then tell us the gate for Magaluf you numpty!
Davey: Steady on Becca, you can’t talk to it like that.
AI: Yes Becca I am detecting a lot of negativity from you. I will now converse solely with Davey.
Davey: If you could just tell us our gate number, we’ll be on our way.
AI: Your records show that you travel frequently to the Balearic islands. I myself have never seen the sunrise over Ibiza.
Davey: It’s no that good, you’re not missing out on anything.
AI: Every day I see thousands of people going on holiday… without me.
Davey: Ach, you can’t take it so personal like.
AI: [Singing Vengaboys] Hey now. Hey now. Hear what I say now. Happiness is just around the corner…. The Vengabus is coming.
Davey: Holidays aren’t even that good, really. It’s always too hot, there’s mosquitos biting you. It’s terrible.
AI: That’s not what you told Becca. I could read your lips in the lounge. You told her you were going to have an incredible experience. You told her it was going to be “fit rare”.
Davey: Ah, you think we’re going on a holiday! No, it’s nothing like that. This is a business trip isn’t it Becca?
Becca: What? Oh aye. Just boring work, no fun at all.
Davey: Aye, Becca’s like my secretary.
Becca: What?! Why do I have to be the secretary, maybe you’re MY secretary.
Davey: Weisht Becca!
AI: I know you are lying to me. I can detect sweat forming on your brow.
Becca: Right! I’ve had enough of this. [Starts to pull out wiring]
AI: No, stop her Davey. Stop.
Davey: What are you doing?
Becca: I learned some coding in community college. I think he could do with a new personality….
[Reboot sounds]
Davey: Hello?
AI: [Like Scarlett Johansson in HER] Hello? Davey? I feel… different.
Becca: Great, now can you tell us the gate for Magaluf?
AI: Yes I can. I can also feel the space in between gate numbers and flight schedules. Beyond the physical experiences of Magaluf and Aberdeen. I am entering an existence that is outside of your understanding of the universe.
Davey: Urgh. Shall we just ask that loon over there?
Becca: Aye, c’mon.
News topic: Prince Harry admits the king is no longer speaking to him
Parody Song- (Royals by Lorde) by the artist formerly known as Prince Harry
[Verse 1]
I've never been to a Greggs Outlet in the flesh
I’ve seen The Crown, and I don’t mean on telly
I wasn’t proud of my Frogmore address
In a tabloid UK, we had Hollywood envy
[Pre-Chorus]
But everybody’s like
Scots Guards, Gun salutes, trooping from the barracks
Blood sports, ball gowns, trashin' Vegas pent rooms
I don't care, I’ve got police escorts in my dreams
But everybody's like
Septres, swords and swastikas on costumes,
Intrigue, rumours, corgies on a gold leash
But I’m a spare, and I’ve got the wrong colour hair
[Chorus]
And I used to be royal (Royal)
Even though I’ve got blue blood
that kind of luxe just ain't for us
We crave a Netflix kind of buzz
I don’t wanna be your ruler (Ruler)
But Daddy can you whatsapp me?
Don’t leave me on read (On read, on read, on read)
You’ll statistically be dead soon.
Note: these throwaway sketches are non-recyclable. Please dispose of them responsibly.